Back to Square One

When my fingers stopped counting the beads...

You are there before me!

I find you

In my breathing 

In my heart

In each pore of my being,

Now heading towards my brain

Claiming it as your much acclaimed seat!!

O guest,

You are there always?

And i thought you have just arrived...

So you are not there in the beading, in the chantings.

As you claim?

How?

All my endeavours were useless...?

Is that it, O, tell me?

You are there with me always?

I have ran countless roads to reach you?

And as you are there now

Before me

You are telling

I am back to square one...

O simple existence,

I have taken such difficult and compliated waysto reach you!

Foolish of me?

Is that it?

Those endless roads

Those yearnings, those searches are for nothing.

I reached the spot

Where i have started.

It's just a circle.

But, no.

While going

I went empty handed

While coming back

I had got something 

In my closed hands.

I will open them now.

What is there, let me check.

Your signature?

A gift?

What?

Reached square one,

But this time

I am not altogether blind

Able to see a bit in the darkness

May be yet to develop the proper ability to interpret whatever i see.

A Return Gift ?

Gifting you something beautiful, fresh, radiating utterly defenceless,

As you are

As you don't comprehend danger or enemy.

Gifting you this way

Whatever I your guest or child

Got from your home only

Searching for you

Roaming your large, huge giant green rooms

You are busy somewhere perhaps 

But i dont believe you are not looking at me

So many hidden spy cameras

Here and there

I dont see

But i sense

You watching.

Or let me rectify

They are not cameras neither they are hidden 

They are your eyes

O thousand eyed, Giant

Why not meet me?

Why this neglect?

I dont know how to gift you 

Where to place it.

The flower 

O Abstract yet manifested

In thousand faces and in thousand attire.

I just say this.

People, forefathers, saints turned stars told this.

I dont realise 

Might be possible 

I dont know how you look like

O my Friend from the Start 

So, I might be seeing you around 

Not able to recognise

I dont believe the faces i see as yours.

How they can be your faces, puzzles me.

As i encounter 

I hate some 

I scare some 

Am afraid of some 

I dont like these humans around

They disturb the ecosystem 

They disturb my bio- rythm 

And the non-earthly vibes within me

Your song and your dance within me looses a tune

As i encounter them.

So my whole essence want to retreat 

Run away from these hunans

It had been a natural instinct for me since childhood 

And is becoming stronger

As i developed this uncanny ability to sense you within.

I sense your stares outside...

And i am trying to believe you are around

And i see you

You sing as i enter your domain

In welcome 

This is just the second stage.

I want to gift you

Whatever you had already gifted

Because i dont find anything as mine 

Everything is yours

And, O Friend

You never made me uneasy about it

You are never proud

And i was never a beggar 

Though i am one.

But how can i can claim even beggary

When you are so rich

And you made me feel at home always.

The first stage that I crossed just a few days back was good and not good also.

As I was scared

Thinking a great harming tantrik power is after me

As i go out of my hiding 

The power stucks me as swirls of black butterflies 

Playing vigorously around

About to attack me or touch me

So fierce black butterflies...

In the darkness

As i start plucking flowers for you.

They chase me all around

And scared to the core

I avoid them sometimes 

Sometimes confront them

Scolding them and hitting them with sticks...

But alas, the fool gets nothing.

Now i know, it's you.

Crossed that 1st stage.

You still come to meet me

From a distance

No more chasing me

Why

Are you still angry

I am soory

Hadn't i apologised so many times

You are still hurt?

Are you.

Please don't be.

I dont know how bad i feel

And how sorry i am for my behaviour

I dont know how to say sorry

Because you feel so sad

As i say sorry

And you hide...

You dont want me to be unhappy 

It is the thread of joy

Through which you communicate with me.

Can i say even thank you.

Okay.

You smiled now

As tears spring in my eyes.

So you understand and differentiate the shades of tears

Can i claim them as mine

Or they are also yours...

Accept this gift 

Please.

So many rules

People have set 

To reach you

But i didn't follow any

And you never mind 

I had pets ((?) Or i have you)

And they messed around

They made your place dirty sonetimes also

The so called sacred place of my house, which I was proud of to have offered you as your corner in my house,

How very silly of me,

O Limitless spread,

I tried to make you fix you as limited.

Okay, so they made it dirty

Chand and ____ i forgot other's name

Both are white puppies.

Yes, Toffee...

I never bought them.

They came just like that

And their relentless followings 

Followings to reach me

And my yearnings to make them comfortable even in my absense,

Built up something in between us.

Helpless I requested you

Please don't mind

Mother never does

She cuddles her dirty children

Clean them, warm them.

Please don't mind.

And surprisingly you didn't 

You walked the way

I walk

Always around

Always vigilant.

I was talking to you always sensing

You are my soulmate

In a confusion

You listened first

Then started talking to me

Failing to understand your language

And sensing your scoldings and frustrations of not being able to guide me properly in our walk

I start scolding you back many times

But whenever i scold

You smile 

Smile and smile, very happy 

Jumping around within me...

So i in utter confusion and distress 

Made a mistake to think you as a human tantrik.

Its gone now.

Thank you for your patience.

I am not a good student

You are a very good teacher.

Are we a set even?

But i am making myself ready to promise you

That i will be a good disciple

I don't know how far my promise can carry me.

May be i fail again.

Yeah i know

You dont mind that also

O friend, teacher and so called great tantrik.

Your tantra is all around.

Accept this gift

I dont know where to place it.

So i place it here.

Yes,

What you say?

You accepted?

Long back?

When i pluck it thinking of you.

Ae, don't you have any other thing besides stalking me, my mind, my heart, my soul, my entirety,

O invader, o lover,

I am yours now.

Show me how many phases are there

Don't tell - its non ending.

Common, i won't walk then

You know how i am

Say, seven stages are there

And i have crossed one.

Please...

For my shake.

Wont you?

Realising that it's you and not a hunan soulmate i am talking to even in my sleep

I have stopped talking

Do you mind?

You don't ?

Again i dont understand you.

Please talk to me in my language 

So that i can understand and follow you with ease.

Is that okay?

Accept the gift,

Which you have gifted me first.

Yeah, i am not harnessed.

Yes, you are the first always.

It's okay.

How to gift you anything, 

Every single thing is yours

You dont claim as yours.

I will find out 

What is mine

And will gift that to you.

Wait for it.

Won't you ?

Nirvana- Understanding the Hidden Shivãa

The hidden Shivã is very difficult to be found in the face of Shiva...

But She is out there all the while,

Camouflaging,

Claiming half of the essence.

Keen eyes, fervent like a lover, lost in the pain to find any symbol from the beloved, only can see her...

The left eye look more beautiful, the chick, more charming, the appearance more calmer than the right side...

She will appear!

As the blank sheet of paper

Will start showing visible words written upon it with lemon juice once it cathes fire

Or is pulled close to fire.

She is there.

Her nose signing with a diamond nosepin,

Her foread, anointed with decorative designs made of chandan and vermillion,

She is shy by her nature

And arrogant as the best stylish model around.

Her eyes piercing yet calm

More focused than Shiva,

Who is in trance

And is fused to the onlooker.

Thus the game is on

Tp find out the the hidden Shivã- Sutra in the face of Real Shiva!

The problem is they look alike,

Share the same being,

And also change position 

Merging into each other...

The divine-twin-souls.

The Stage & Many Faces

The stage is set.

Actors are into the drama.

Audience can't breathe properly, as they sense the thrill of perfection in the storyline and theatrics.

The music is exalted-

Drim Drim Drim Drim...

In the valleys of whispering crawling clouds,

It's the mammoth that started playing around, cheering the neighbourhood, as the snow melts and gives way to green meadows,

And it is the golden eagle that started to catch one of them and failed...

The melting snow,  slowly giving way to the green meadow, flowery beds, 

The huge, coloured moths whirs past the giant trees, restless for a while

And settle down 

Finding flowers...

The birds cooing, all in a creative mode,

Creepies, crawlies, flying insects, holding their partner, 

Glued to each other in an erotic meditation, 

Continue to be still and meditative for hours even days,

As the Kundalini sits coiling, holding Shiva in her creative trance,

Changing lights, changing sets, changing scenes, changing faces... fusing into each other, blending merging the shreds of energy.

And it goes on..

Slowly some of the audience realize that

they are the actors.

They get up and got deleted in the register as guest.

The counting of audiences goes down

The main actor smiles now, thrilled ...

And says,

I am having fun,

I am the one,

Playing many faces here,

And was sad- nobody understands the thriller.

I am the mammoth

I am the golden eagle,

I am the stage also, 

i am the one...

Eager to get appreciated 

By the audiences- 

who will gradually realize they are holding one of my thousand faces.

I am the audience also...

I love to camouflage 

I love to play.

As many.

I am the grand stage.

-The Stage & Many Faces